A Certainly Bad Parody
by Greenx92
Summary: Bakery City! It's a place where science rules in order to make the greatest baking goods in the world! Huh? This isn't something that makes sense? Fine, then you can't have any muffins. Okay, you can have one. But please share with Kamijou. He's having a bad morning. Oh, and Index. I guess you can also leave some for that ant over there. Wait a minute! That's a rat! Get it out!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Starting Notes: I don't know squat about running a bakery. Or dinosaurs for that matter.**

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><p>Sticking onto Tokyo like some sort of tumor was the world famous Bakery City. Using advance baking technology, the baking goods of this place have become worldwide treasures! Sadly, the only people allowed to eat, or even see, the goods are the people inside the district.<p>

The people inside the district were mostly composed of minors equipped with weird powers and junk to help them make their goods. Imagine a superhero cooking himself food. That's the idea here. Among one of these minors, however, was a boy who had absolutely no talent in either the kitchen or the lab.

His name is Kamijou Touma.

"Such misfortune."

Just before he was going out for his remedial cooking class, Kamijou fell and his white apron caught on fire because the sun was really mad at it. Bad apron!

"This is it. This is the last straw!" cried Kamijou. "I'm going to kill myself!"

Kamijou ran straight for the balcony, ready to jump, but stopped himself once he saw a girl with silver hair hanging onto his balcony.

"I'm hungry."

Kamijou instantly grew confused. Not because there was a girl barely holding onto his balcony, but because how can you get hungry in a city full of nothing but bakeries?

He didn't bother asking her that and simply pulled her in.

"Huh? Are you going to feed me?"

Kamijou shook his head. "No, I'm just making room so my jump won't be interrupted again. Okay, here I go! Sayonara, Hakuna Matata, and have a good day!"

Kamijou ran and jumped, hoping to become one with the Earth this time, but again, the girl stopped him. As soon as his feet left the ground, she grabbed him by the foot and pulled him down.

"Feed me!"

Bitterly, he got up and went into the kitchen.

"Okay, I'll feed you," he said with an evil aura around him like a boss at the end of a dungeon. Or a boss of an office job. Any boss really.

He came out of the kitchen with some of the burnt muffins he made last year.

The girl looked at for a while before smiling.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! I will savor each and every bite of your generosity! Eat-tadakimasu!"

With one swift movement of her body and mouth, she ate the entire plate of burnt, rotten muffins in one single, alone, isolated, by-itself bite.

"One, big, generous gift!" she happily said.

(Drats!) he thought. (My plans have been foiled in the mighty tin foil of justice!)

After going to a therapist and ending his quest to bounce off the ground, Kamijou sat down in front of the girl and asked her for her name.

"I asked you for your name," he said in the manner to a robot.

In the manner dissimilar to a robot, the girl said, "I'm Index! Nice to meet you!"

"Index? You mean like the pages at the end of a cookbook?"

"I suppose."

"Do you have a brother named Content?"

"It's not nice to make fun of someone's name!" Index shouted. She simmered down before thinking aloud, "Actually, I'm not even sure that's my real name. That's just what they call me."

"They?" he repeated, in order to draw out more information for the sake of exposition.

She nodded to his one-worded question. "Sorcerers. They're after me because I have a lot of forbidden cookbooks with me."

The boy looked around the room. "Where? I don't see these cookbooks. Also, what's this nonsense about sorcerers? There's no such thing as magic."

"Is too! I even have proof! Have you seen my outfit?"

He didn't notice it before, but this girl was wearing a really odd outfit like a chef's, but more feminine than one would imagine a chef's outfit to be.

"This is the Walking Bakery! Enchanted with really old bread, nothing can hurt me in this cute outfit!"

She goes in and out of the kitchen and hands him a knife.

"Go ahead! Try to cut me! I dare you!"

He quickly dropped the knife. "Are you crazy?! No way am I going to slice bread, especially with you behind it!"

He stands up and wiggles the fingers of his right hand a bit.

"I have an easier way to tell if it's magic or not. My right hand has the power to negate any supernatural powers. If your outfit is truly enchanted, making you a magical Index of sorts, then my right hand will dismantle it!"

Index smirked at the silly idea of a power that negates other power, but sure enough, after his hand touched her, her outfit exploded and left her nude.

"Kyaaaaahhh!"

He gulped and backed away.

(This is unexpected for a number of reasons!)

The least unexpected was the fact that Kamijou managed to get a girl to get undress.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

Index began biting him all over in a violent sort of way and he had no way to stop her.

After the kinky punishment, Kamijou ran away to give these alleged sorcerers the chance to kidnap her. He also went to school because education is important! Yeah!

"Alright, class! Today we are going to learn about the hairy ball theorem and why it shouldn't go in the middle of a torus made of dough!"

In front of the class was a teacher, Tsukuyomi Komoe, with pink hair and pink clothes. She looked like a twelve-year-old, but is really one of the oldest teachers in this school. Despite looking like a child, she has a height of thirty meters. Right now, she's teaching the whole class in the fetal position because that's the only way she can fit inside the classroom!

Kamijou cared not for this giant moe's lesson though. He ignored her blathering on about topology in bakery and focused on what truly mattered in high school: The fluttering skirts of the girls' tennis team.

"Sensei!" A boy with green hair shouted while wiggling his whole body and more. "Kamijou-kun is thinking about a silver-haired girl!"

His perverted fantasies snapped. "What?!"

The giant shifted her eyes to Kamijou and tears began to come down.

The whole class clenched their teeth and gave daggers to Kamijou with their eyes. It didn't last long, though. Komoe's tears ended up flooding the entire school and everyone had to evacuate.

Three kids drowned that day.

"Such misfortune! Not only is my uniform ripped, but now it's salty! People will start thinking I'm a fisherman! No!"

"Shut up, would you!"

"Huh?"

He looked behind him and barely dodged a coin that flew by his ear.

It was thrown by Bakery City's Electric Oven, Misaka Mikoto, a middle-school girl and the third best baker in the city.

She threw another coin at him and hit him in the eye.

"Ah! What the hell are you doing, Zappity-doo-da?!"

"My electricity doesn't work on you, so I have to resort to stupid things like throwing coins and bottle caps at you!"

"That's not my problem!"

He plucked the bottle cap (which was originally a coin) out of his eye and punched it toward his unknown rival.

"Kyah! Please don't hurt me. Aishiteru!"

"Aishiteru? What does that even mean?!"

"Only a stupid idiot like you wouldn't know! Baka!"

"I am not a cow!"

Having enough of her nonsense, Kamijou flails his arms about and runs home to mama. And by mama, I mean Index who is bleeding to death in front of his front door.

"Damn it, I said I'd never clean up blood again! This is the whole reason I left Butcher City! Who did this!?"

"That'd be me, yo."

"Hm? What was that? I'm going to turn my head to see what it was. It better not be anything weird!"

He turned his head and saw a red octopus with cat ears for eyeballs and human ears for ears.

"What the-!"

It then died in a fire and turned to Ash. Its death revealed a tall fourteen-year-old with red hair and many piercings. He was smoking a cigarette right now.

"Oh. Well, that's normal. I've seen plenty of those kind in middle school."

Some of the smoke cleared and a barcode could be seen under his eye.

"Ah. Well, that's not. Hey, buddy! You've got something under your-!"

"I am Stiyl Magnus. I'm telling you my name right now so I don't have to say it in a roundabout way."

"What are you?" Kamijou asked.

"I am a magician. Not only do I have shows in Vegas, but I also have magic powers! Check it!"

He tossed the cigarette from his mouth toward his enemy and an explosion of fire happened.

Stiyl smirks and says, "Well, that finishes that. C'mon Index! Let's go!"

She painfully whispers, "Everytime I breath, my heart cries and I want to die a little more."

"Hey, cut the attitude. It's not that bad."

"I can see blood going into my pupils!"

Suddenly, Kamijou appears where the flames once were and shouts, "Who the hell are you! Are you the ones chasing Index?"

"Hm? I'm Stiyl. I told you remember?"

"Oh, right. What about the second question?"

"Yeah! It's true! Me and my partner are after her. She has a lot of cookbooks, y'know?"

"No. I still don't see them."

"Of course not! They're in her head, along with her photographic memory, silly!"

"In her head?" He glances over to Index and stares at her head. "So, what? Did she memorize the books or something?"

Stiyl coughs and looks irritated. "Er, no. To memorize a book, she has to see every page. After fifty books or so, we thought this was taking too much damn time so we just put the cookbooks into a memory card and jammed it into her ear."

"That's... strange. Oh, hey! Here's a little something for that fireball you threw at me!"

Kamichow pawnched Stylish ansh wonsh!

Index coughed out her entire lung and fell unconscious.

The End!

The End?

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><p><strong>Author's Ending Notes: Topology and bakeries, together at last! A torus is a doughnut-shaped object and a hairy ball theorem is a theorem.<strong>

**This was originally going to be a one-shot (and it might still be). I was going to have the three protagonists run a bakery and have allusion to the canon, but then the idea of making a whole parody came into mind. Giant moe Komoe also helped in giving ideas for the future.**

**For those wondering about that MisakixTouma fic, I will get to it... eventually. Trying to get out of a rut with that story. I wrote this in three hours, though, so I really have no excuse for my lateness on that.**

**The octopus will make a return later on.**


	2. Chapter 2

Author's starting notes: I worked in a store bakery for 8 months. Donut frying shift ruined me. 8 month hiatus on my goals hurts. Never again.

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><p>It was night time. All the bakeries had closed down. The only people left inside of them were the people cleaning up the floor.<p>

Kamijou was sitting on the edge of a fountain and Index had her head resting on his lap. The moon floated directly above their heads. Moonlight gleamed off the water and gave the fountain's surrounding a subtle glow.

It was a peaceful scene. Maybe even romantic.

That is until the water in the fountain became contaminated and turned into an ominous red color.

"Damn it! The moment is ruined!" Kamijou shouted.

"S-s-s-s-o-o-or-rrrrr-rrrr-y-a-h..." Index said, with only one lung intact.

"Stop contaminating the water with your blood and I'll forgive you."

Index said nothing.

Looking at her, he got annoyed and he clenched his hand. He felt something in his hand. He took a curious look at his right hand and saw a lung in his hand.

"Ah, that's right. Sorry, my bad."

He put the lung into her mouth and manually put it back in place.

"Thank you," she said.

"In any case, we should get you to a doctor. You're probably in horrible pain right now."

"Physically and emotionally." She glanced at him and quickly looked away.

Kamijou frowned and took a deep breath. "Sorry for the emotional bit. How about I forgive you right now and we let someone else take care of the water?"

Index ignored his failed attempt to console her and moved onto business. "First off, I can't allow you to take me to a doctor."

"Huh? Why not?"

She pouted and quietly said, "Needles scare me."

"What? A few hours ago, you were asking me to stab you!"

She loss the meek act and resumed speaking. "We will need to use magic to solve this problem. It's the only way."

"The doctor!"

"The only way," she assured. "Unfortunately, no one here will be able to save me. Bakery magic tends to burn the minds of those who live here since people here already have had their minds baked to let them use your scientific powers."

This made sense. Every student who had been abandoned here by their parents were sent into a bakery where their brains would be removed and put into an oven. Most people had brains only 10% baked. It is here where their full potential could possibly be met. It's also a zombie's favorite place to be in.

Kamijou looked around them. Every student in the city had their brains baked upon arrival, so who would be able to help?

"You know, last I checked, doctors make for very good-"

"For the last time, no!"

"All right, all right! Sheesh!" Kamijou reached into his pocket to pull out his cellphone. "Let me call somebody."

"If I hear only three buttons being pressed before a ringing, I'm going to accuse you for assault."

He bit his lip and bitterly called someone else.

The phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Oi, Aogami. I need you to help me out."

"Kami-yan? Sure, what do you need? I can offer anything but an extra hand. I've got one hand on the phone and the other on my-"

"Shush!" He shouted. "So, anyway, uh, as we all know, you're a pervert."

"I prefer the term 'being myself', but yes, go on."

"In that case, I was wondering if you were perverted enough to have the address of a certain schoolteacher on hand."

"Oh, I do, but let me just say that I haven't yet reached a level of 'being myself' as to consider a threesome with our dear Komoe-sensei."

"Just give me the address and stop talking for a week!"

Kamijou received the address and sure enough, he and Index arrived to the apartment.

"Okay, Index, you go in and do your thing. If you need me, I'll be smoking some pot outside the gas station over there."

Several days passed as Kamijou had an adventure being 'baked' in Bakery City. When he came back, Index had just awakened.

"Ha! Looks like I came just in time! Hey, where's Komoe-sensei?"

"She left two days ago to buy groceries. Touma, I think I'm developing some serious social abandonment issues." Tears began to slide down her face, staining the really nice pillow Komoe left her. Man, I wish I had a nice pillow like that, stained with tears.

"Alright, alright, sorry for leaving you," he said with genuine feeling. "I'll make it up to you. Why don't you give me an hour's worth of exposition, huh? Would that make you feel better? I'll listen to every word you say."

Index thought it over for a moment. "Only if the reader listens to me as well."

Unfortunately, for my sake, we will NOT be listening onto this lecture and we'll be moving on to the bath scene.

"Touma, the reader didn't hear me at all!"

"Well, that's a shame. I even had a pillow ready."

"You weren't going to listen either?! Mn, Touma!"

She then starts gnawing on his head and you guys laugh because people laugh at funny stuff, amirite?

After Index runs away for no reason, some girl with one leg falls from the sky.

"I am called Kanzaki Kaori."

"I didn't ask."

"If possible, I'd like to avoid telling you my magic name."

"Maybe you shouldn't be telling me any of your names."

She takes out a pogo stick from behind her leg and gets on it. "I want you to leave Index alone."

Kamijou shakes his head.

"No? Alright... prepare to be pogo'd!"

"What? Oh no! No!"

Kanzaki proceeds to hop over to him and jumps on stomach and lungs for a good twenty minutes.

Among this beating, Kanzaki whispered to him, "I'm only doing this to save my colleague... also, because I like pogo sticks."

"How are you doing this with one leg!?"

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><p>I don't know what the hell I wrote in the last chapter. Or this chapter. Why do I continue to write?<p> 


End file.
